Tempering Great Expectations

In corporate America, men are favored for being confident risk-takers. But in the world of dating, the opposite happens: men tend to be risk-averse—more focused on cutting losses and getting the biggest bang for their buck than growing their romantic investments.

This dating dynamic contrasts my cultural upbringing. Growing up a Filipino in a predominantly Catholic country, courtship ruled our social mores on dating. Men were suitors; women played hard-to-get (pakipot). Kissing on the first date was a taboo, let alone sex. Truth be told, the boys and girls of exclusive Catholic schools would be the first to tell you it’s an expectation, not a rule. Just like Manila’s traffic laws, but I digress.

You can say in a way that the average tech bro or man in finance in America treats dating as safe gambles whereas the men in the country I grew up in approach dating like it’s Sotheby’s. The former weighs the odds of love—sometimes interchanged with lust; the latter bids for love—sometimes confused with lust.

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I am neither here to criticize one over the other nor to make the weary jaded. Instead, this post aims to guide every single immigrant woman from a culture that’s similar to mine:

You can’t play the same rules of dating in America.

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In one of my women’s groups, a woman recently asked how soon was it acceptable to initiate a talk on exclusivity. The question alone raised my eyebrows. It’s always the man who asks, even if our anxiety unalives us.

The other women’s responses were even more disruptive: Three months is too soon. Date more guys (simultaneously). Up to you if you want to have sex—you don’t have to tell the other guy.

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If you’re American, you might ask, ‘What’s that group you’re in?’ Or if Filipino, you might ask, ‘Girl, under which rock have you been hiding?’ Okay, I’m too old for this BS. And yes, I’ve broken the rules in both fields myself.

Nice to meet you, where you been?

The reality is anyone who sells you a dating playbook in America is peddling lies. Just as any game is only as good as the quality of the players, dating is only as good as our matches. Even more so, the quality of the guys we attract is directly proportional to the amount of work we’re willing to put on ourselves—and this goes skin deep.

Expectations wise, it helps to be aware of the cultural nuances between American dating and the place where you’re coming from. Then if you really wish to guard your heart and find dating success, the best thing you can do is to treat dating as an investment in yourself. It’s the only way you can maximize your returns.

“I felt that I owed the deepest gratitude to the best of men.”